Scottish in London

When I moved to London 3 years ago, a free paper was given out every weekday evening, The London Paper, and I loved it. It was just the right mixture of smut and substance to be light and easy to read. The ink came off on your fingers and it felt like you were connected with the city and the views held therein.

Like I've said before, I feel that news is heavily coloured by who writes it, therefore, not the truth...more like dressed up opinion. I enjoyed the feeling of reading London's opinions of things - this paper didn't tart it up to be the truth.

Also, they let you submit a column. Everyday a normal reader was published - and some of those normal readers were shockingly piss poor writers...and whiny. I decided to give it a go, unfortunately I don't think they caught my tongue in cheek humour. I made fun of Americans, the Scots, and well, here, I'll let you read it. I'll lovingly re-title it: 'Taking the Piss - American in London Seeks Better Company'

For many a fitful night, my wasted American heart dreamed of my very own Braveheart to, if not greet me at Heathrow, than to be jostling to buy me a drink at the first pub I stumbled into. In a devastating turn of events, I found that the skirt-wearing men of the Highlands are few and far between here in London town. So, to coax you out of hiding, I offer a public love letter to my favourite much-maligned London minority.

It seems so improbable that so few of you are here. How do all of you fit into those two tiny townships you have up there? I hear there are at least enough of you to make a rugby team. Nevertheless, I have kept my eye out for you guys and I think I spotted one of you at a club. You seemed really nice and I think you were trying to chat me up, however, it was hard to tell - I wish you’d spoken English.

It would have been good because then we could have had a drink. It’s a shame really because I was looking forward to trying some of your Scottish whiskey. I hear it’s as good as J.D. and I’m hoping to splash some into my coca-cola.

Due to the timing of my move to London, I’ve come to understand that R-U-G-B-Y is a big deal here, but I can’t understand why you, with your brute warrior skills have not won any titles, or is England winning close enough?

I have had the good fortune to hear your national anthem - very catchy. Who is this Edward guy you’re all on about? I haven’t heard anything about Edward since my arrival and I think that you Scottish should come out of hiding, because if I’m welcome in public I’m sure you are. Remember, my country successfully left the commonwealth. By the way, I’m happy to share tips.

I fear I may be seeking you Scottish here in London for naught, so far not a ginger in sight. But in all earnestness and jokes aside, know that there exists no group of people I could love more. So, for you Scots of London, please be advised I seek you and your company, because if I can’t find you, I have to talk to an Englishman.

Now that I've put in three years worth of effort, I know a handful of Scots in London, and I have to say, I was right to seek them out. The Scots may be few and far between-ish here in London, but that being said, they are the best connected bunch I've ever met. In fact, today, while having breakfast with my Scottish former company CFO after nearly 2 years, we were chatting and I come to find out he has a connection with a prominent furniture dealer who may be able to pass me onwards and upwards into this art world I'm attempting to launch myself. First I meet the Scottish CEO of a charity who introduces me to Scottish Hart - the art collector, and now Dada Don, as he's requested to be called (He thinks he's a Dada artist...bless), is going to introduce me into his friend's acquaintance.

I realise now why it's been so hard to meet Scottish people in London - it's because they're all ridiculously successful or else they'd be back up in 'God's Country'. Well, cheers to Scotland and cheers to success. Roll on new connections.